It started out by telling the story of a teenage girl a few years ago sitting for a manicure. Although she had taken a book with her (who can hold a book while getting a mani? I need to learn to do this.) she was drawn to the conversation of two women a few years older than her talking about "IT."
They spoke of how by the end of the day they were too tired, too drained, or just not in the mood for IT. Yes, by IT, I mean sex.
I was instantly able to relate to the two married women. Clearly this teenager just didn't understand. When you are at home at the end of a busy day, the last thing you want to do is try to be sexy, right?
She recounted as a teenager thinking that she would NEVER be in this situation. When she got married, sex would be common. She would never say no, nor would she want to.
She fast forwarded a few years and found herself exactly where these two women had been. She had had a child, and admittedly felt lackluster in the nude. Having a child was leaving her tired every day. She was in that boat, and I was identifying all over again.
Tired.
Not Feeling Appealing.
Unsure of how to approach the situation...
I think we all find ourselves at this crossroad at some point.
As I read the article, I remembered thinking of the excitement that I placed on sex as a teenager as well. It was unknown, but it had to be AMAZING if I wasn't supposed to do it until I was married right? It was exciting thinking of what it might be like. I got married, and it was exciting. It was frequent. It was fun.
Cue our second pregnancy. Hormones, and a toddler have a way of really draining you. Add the stress of being a full time student, and a leader in an Army medical unit, and I was the epitome of the worn-down woman. By the end of the day, I barely had the energy to make dinner, much less be in the mood.
I remember one day thinking that I had to change this circumstance. So I did some research, and I found five big reasons to be intimate more often. So here they are:
1. You're still a woman! Being a mother can leave you feeling less feminine. From sacrificing your full beauty routine, to wondering what on Earth is on your shirt, it is easy to lose sight of what makes a woman beautiful. There is something however that makes you feel feminine again about kissing your partner. So taking a few minutes to kiss each other at the end of a busy day, can surely add to the mood of intimacy in your home. It may not lead to sex every night, but that is okay. So put the kids to bed and spend some time with the person that can give you those butterflies again.
2. He's still a man! It's really pretty simple. For a man to feel loved he needs very little. Make him dinner, be appreciative, and sex him up from time to time, and it's really pretty simple. Commit to this for a couple of weeks, and add in some nightly make out sessions, and you will be amazed at how much happier the two of you seem. You'll wonder how you let the intimacy get away from you in the first place.
3. You need time for the two of you! Are you noticing how all of these build on each other? Once you have committed to spending a few minutes together, it will be much easier to budget more actual time for the two of you. It will seem less like a chore and more like a break. Remember that guy that lit your fire, that left you notes, and didn't ever fail to call when you needed him to? Well, he is still the one that sends shivers down your spine, and makes your hands sweaty before a night out. You just have to give him the time to do it. So set aside a night each week. Call the sitter and head out, or put the kids to bed and stay up late together. Take time to talk about things other than bills and scheduling and I promise you won't regret it.
4. Sex relieves stress! Enough said right? How good do you feel after a roll in the hay? It's really an activity that speaks for itself AND it's something that there are plenty of ways to switch it up if you are looking for something new.
5. It's fun! Barring a few manageable complications, sex is fun. We often do the things that we HAVE to do, and neglect the things that we WANT to do. Giving yourselves permission to be sexual again is HUGE in sustaining, or rekindling that fire. For the moments when things don't go as planned in the bedroom, there is always a solution, whether it be changing the kind of lubricant you are using, or learning more about a new position before trying it again, there is a work around, and there shouldn't be any shame in trying something and having it not work out quite right. Trying something new is part of what makes it so FUN right?
So whether you are at the point where maybe it's just a dry spell (totally normal in marriage by the way--plenty of studies support that) or it's been a long cold winter, there is always a way to turn it around. It doesn't necessarily have to start with mind blowing sex. Maybe it starts with just a kiss.
The point here is it's doable, and we DESERVE it!
***If you are having a hard time figuring out where to start, please trust me with your questions. As an advocate for Women's Health and Sexuality, my goal is to keep married women married, single women safe, and all women empowered. I welcome the conversation, and will do everything I can to guide you in the right direction.***
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| Photo Credit to Shea Drake Photography |
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