It's okay to be "that mom"

2016 is proving to be an interesting year already. From buying a new home and moving into it, to finding out the gender of our sweet baby #3 (Due in early August, but most likely appearing in July) it's been busy.

My two home based businesses (JJ Knowles Photography, and Pure Romance by Jenn) are taking off and I couldn't be happier for that. I'm only 2 more semesters from graduation with a double bachelor's degree, and my two boys are growing like weeds! I just can't believe that this little slice of Heaven is my life. It gets very hectic at times, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! I know that I am definitely biased, but I have the world's best husband, and the cutest kids. *sigh* For what this life is, this is perfection.

**Warning, shamelessly cute family picture in 3..2..1**

Of course there are the moments that I am that mom. You know the one who hasn't showered in a day or three, walking around in sweatpants and a t-shirt at Wal-Mart with a screaming child in the cart because he just fell asleep and smacked his forehead on the handrail in front of him (this literally happened 48 hours ago). I think we all get our chance to be that mom, and that is okay. It's a right of passage, and the one thing that unites all of momdom. Because no matter who it is that gets to be that mom, all of the others know where she is coming from, and that smile that you get in the store, it's not pity. It is the deepest understanding. It is the recognition that we have all been there and done that, and that, in the words of my mom "this too shall pass."

It amazes me each and every day though that any of us make it as mothers. With all of the judgement in the world, and contradicting studies that PROVE that every single one of us are wrong, it can be hard to decide how to raise a child. The struggle that goes into trying to make the best decision easily rival the struggle to decide what college to attend, or what profession to train in. These decisions impact the way that your children will see the world. They shape their actions for the rest of their lives. It's a huge deal that will weigh heavily on your mind long after the decision at it's implications are made. Raising a child is hard. Don't think for a moment it isn't. So to all of the struggling moms, I salute you!

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of moms on social media putting their best foot forward, and writing award winning blogs, or DIY-ing EVERYTHING in their home, while at the same time cloth diapering their children and never raising their voice. To those moms... kudos, and when you figure out how to bottle that, please let me know so I can borrow the recipe. The thing that I have learned though, is there is always someone "better" than each of us, that has the energy to wake up before the kids, and look perfect throughout the day, and have a sparkling home that doesn't show the tell-tale signs of children residing there, BUT we probably aren't seeing everything they are facing.  The snap shots on social media are just that. they are snapshots, glimpses, a glamour reel if you will. They don't show the whole story. So don't beat yourself up when you don't measure up to someone's "perfect" facade.

At the end of the day we each take off our make up (if we managed to put any on-I often don't) and take apart our reflection in the mirror. We dwell on the imperfections, and we struggle with the debate over whether or not we could have made a better choice during the day, or whether our actions will be the topics of our children's therapy sessions for years to come.

The advice that I can share for each of us, is just to cut ourselves some slack, because when we learn to cut ourselves some slack, we are much less likely to judge that mom. Because really... what does that even accomplish?

Stick with it momdom!

Dear Baby Knowles (2)

My Sweet, Second Child,

You must know by now that I'm not perfect. After all, you can hear my heart race when I get upset at things I can't control. You have been witness to nights of silenced sobs that must have woken you up as your tiny perfect body laid nestled in my shaking frame.

I can't lie to you, and I wouldn't dream of trying:

It has been much more difficult to give you a body than it was for me to give one to your older brother. It has been a much more stressful ride this time around, and I am reminded of that every time I feel you stretch and change positions within the safety of my body. I have worried day after day that I would somehow fail you, my little boy.

Somehow, we have made it this far. We are merely weeks away from getting to look into each others eyes, and realize how much we know about each other. What trials we have overcome. The nine weeks of hemorrhaging during the first and second trimester were terrifying. The constant sickness that has remained with me from week six has been debilitating at times, and still somehow you have found a way to be strong, to continue to grow, and to surpass all expectations that were set for your development. Somehow, you have given me the strength to push forward as well.

You are strong! I wish I could take credit for that strength, but as you know, I've been scared, and I've been weak for most of our journey together. I'm finally starting to realize how much purpose you have added to my life.

I want you to know how much I love you. There is not a thing in this world that I won't change for you if it is in my power. You will do great things in this life. You have an amazing example in your older brother. Let him teach you all that he can.

Be patient with your dad and me. It's our first time being your parents, and though we have learned quite a bit from your brother, you will come with completely different lessons for us. You already have. Just know that we love you. You are coming to a family that couldn't be more happy to have you. We feel your giant spirit, and we know that you are ours.

I know that your Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes when it comes to families. Let me show you my testimony of this principle each day during this life. I am your mother. Let me teach you about the gospel, and about family, and love. Read the notes from the experiences of my life, and find hope, faith, and perseverance in everything.

I know that you can feel my shortened breaths fighting to catch as I write this letter to you. I know that you can hear my heart as it beats erratically as I tell you I love you. Know that these tears are tears of happiness. Know that these small cries are in anticipation of you joining our family.

Know that I can't wait to meet you.

Know that I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Things Always Look Up

I want to tell a story about the last years of my life. It hasn't all been bad, in fact a lot of great things have happened to my little family. We were blessed with our first child, we moved successfully, and I started my photography business.

Along with these great opportunities, we also had plenty of opportunities to struggle.

First, we had the chance to experience the big 'D' not divorce, but depression. I had a very hard time going back to work after having my son. I often felt like I couldn't be a mom and a valuable employee. I cried on a daily basis, and I hid it it from everyone. I was the woman in the lactation room who sobbed as she pumped almost every time. I wasn't concerned about my supply, or the nutritional value my milk had for my son. I cried because I felt like a failure. by the time I added in my commute to work and the time I spent taking my son to my wonderful sister's house for childcare I was spending 11 hours a day away from home. I think on some level I knew I could find a way to do better for my family, I was just lost in my own emotion and I stopped myself every day from finding that next step.

It got worse. When my little guy was about six months old, we both got sick. He got RSV, and I got an upper respiratory infection. The medication we had to take to clear it up, dried everything up. I could no longer nurse. This made the feeling of failure sharper. It cut into me every day. I felt like not only was I not there for my son, but now I couldn't even make the small contribution that I had been making. We were switching to formula, and I no longer had a retreat where I could cry in private. It got harder and harder to function. My job performance started to slip. Things were compounding in a very negative way.

One particularly rough day lead to an even worse evening, and I could not calm my son down. we had just moved, and I didn't know where anything was, or what to try to make him happy. I had tried feeding him, holding him, singing to him through a cracking, crying voice. My husband had tried and been unsuccessful as well. I was at my wits end. I was holding my small sweet child, and every fiber of my being wanted to shake him until he stopped. This was a BIG RED FLAG for me. I set him down on the bed, and dropped to the floor. I was sobbing. I couldn't breathe. It took everything I had to call for my husband. I told him I needed help, and I could see in his eyes that he agreed, and that I hadn't been fooling him for weeks now.

The next day, I made an appointment and was prescribed an antidepressant. My doctor and I talked it out, and decided that I probably wouldn't need it forever, but I would need it as a crutch for a while. I had to realize that is was ok to need help. I had to see that this was a problem that people had. If it had been a broken leg, would I have left it untreated? No, of course not. It was the same thing. There was a chemical reaction that was slightly broken. I just needed to fix it, and that was just fine.

I would love to say that the medication fixed everything right away, and that I returned to normal within the week, but it was a longer process than that, and there were side effects. I gained quite a bit of weight. I was still withdrawn from people. Some of my friends were walking on eggshells around me, and I knew it was because there was a stigma associated with anti-depressants. It did get better though, a little at a time. Just in time for our next big challenge.

I lost my job. My employers weren't willing to overlook the fact that though I was rebounding and rebounding well, I had lost my edge for about six weeks. I took it as an opportunity to stay home with my son for a while, and live that stay-at-home dream. Sure we would have to cut back a bit, and money might be a little tight, but we could do it. We did do it. We found ways to make things work, and were able to get back on our feet. We even found out that we were expecting again. We were thrilled. And then six weeks later...

My husband lost his job. We both starting looking for work immediately. I found a job at an elementary school. My husband followed lead after lead, and for months they turned up nothing. Our savings was dwindling, and we were starting to wonder how we were ever going to get by. I thought to myself, "Things can always get worse, but not much worse for us." Boy was I wrong. sure we had financial problems right then, but for the most part, aside from being on the chunky side (which I now had a new excuse for) we were healthy. Then I got a lesson in it-can-get-worse 101. My husband found out he had a blood clot extending from mid thigh to mid calf. That'll shake up your life a bit. six weeks later, I started to hemorrhage. I found out I had what is called a SubChorionic Hematoma. The good news was it was either going to cause a problem with my pregnancy, or it was going to be an annoyance until it resolved itself. Either way it was unnerving.

Then just as it started to look like there was no end in sight, things started to sort themselves out. My husband was offered a job. It wasn't the greatest in the world, but it was a job. It was going to make ends meet. My husband went in for a follow up and his clot was resolved, and after nine weeks, my hemorrhage had finally subsided, and I was given the all clear on the health of my bun in the oven.

That brings us to the present. Things are looking up. I'm in my third trimester. My husband was recently offered an even better job, with better benefits, and better pay. We're getting ready to start house hunting, and I have been able to start really marketing myself as a Beachbody coach... Even pregnant. It all works out, and it always looks up. Sometimes, things have to get worse, but that doesn't mean that they can't get better. I have a gorgeous little boy who is about to turn two, another boy about to enter the world who will be just as wonderful I'm sure, a husband who is now returning to good health, and renewed faith that good things happen to people who keep trying.

I challenge anyone who is reading this to find something that you can change each day. Something small, make the commitment and change your life!

Dear Baby Knowles

My Dear Sweet Child,

There are so many things that race across my mind throughout the day, but most of them revolve around you. I can't wait until you are here so that your daddy and I can teach you about this amazing, crazy, scary, and wonderful world that we live in. I can't express how much I look forward to laughing with you, and crying with you, and comforting you when your tiny heart is aching from the trials of this world. I know that there will be many things that you won't understand, and many things that even after we've explained them to you in the best way that we can, you may still struggle with, but know that I love you, and that your daddy loves you. Please understand that we can't wait to be your best friends, but that we'll also be your parents every time that we need to be. There will be times that you will struggle, and you won't know what decision is truly the best for you, but I KNOW that if you will take the time to counsel with your parents, and with your Father in Heaven, that you will come away from it with a decision that will truly benefit you in this life that you have been given.

I'm excited to tell you that you live in a time that needs your valiant attitude and the positive morals that we will try to instill in you. You are a spirit that was saved for these days because you are choice above many others. You will be far more intelligent than I have ever been, and you will be blessed for doing the right things.

We heard your heartbeat for the first time, and we both teared up because we were so happy. The day that we saw you on an ultrasound, we smiled for the rest of the day. I stared at your tiny little body for days on that black and white picture and marveled at the fact that I get to be your mommy. I looked at your precious little hands and feet in those photos, and wondered how we had made such an amazing little profile. You are coming to a family that is excited about you, and to parents and grandparents who love you. You have many aunts and uncles and cousins who can't wait for you to arrive, and we are all so very excited to see who you grow to become. I look forward to peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek. I know that we'll also play games around the table like "one more big bite," and "not until you eat your vegetables" after the days of vrooming airplanes and chugging trains have failed to get you to eat. I can't wait to run with you and tickle you, and watch daddy teach you to ride a bike. There are so many exciting things for you to do and learn in this world, and we are waiting to teach you and learn with you. Know that we love you and are waiting for you, but please take you time, and come to us healthy.

 All of my love, Mommy.

The Worst, BEST day of my life

It was definitely not a fairy tale wedding, but at the end of the day, we had attained eternity. It all started the night before. I should have been relaxing at home and looking forward to the next morning, but instead I was trying to conquer my last minute to-do list. Nothing could be easy about these simple tasks. For instance, half way through weaving some extra blonde into my soon to be sister's hair, the power went out due to the storm. Have no fear however, we finished by flashlight. Then, at 1 am, it was finally time for this bride to hit the sack. With fours hours to go before it was time to wake up, I finally drifted off to sleep. It was rest well deserved until about 3 am. I woke up, and physically felt ill. There was no going back to sleep, I was up for the day. So I double checked everything before the wedding, and I set out at 445 to meet the fabulous Emily Wrathall for hair and makeup. When that was done, I was ready to head to the temple. As I walked outside, the cold morning weather was bringing me a nice surprise... Rain. Thank you Mother Nature. I got to the Temple right on time. I headed inside and started to look for John. I didn't see him in the lobby. I stepped outside and called him. He was on his way, but he would be late because there was an accident on the freeway that had stopped traffic. It was clearing though, and he was on his way again. I sat and waited, and welcomed my family as they arrived. As more and more time passed, I started to worry. Where was he? Was he alright? Did he suddenly realize he didn't want to marry me? It was almost an hour later than it was supposed to be. I was on the brink of melt down, when I thought, "go get some air." As I walked toward the doors, I realized I was shaking. This really could be the worst day of my life. Then a vehicle, that I had never seen before, pulled up, and John hopped out. The truck had stopped down the hill, and John had been walking up the mountain to get to the wedding. I had turned my phone off earlier and had missed all of his calls. Relieved, I took John's hand, and we walked into the temple together, sure that nothing else could go wrong. Wrong again... The records that we needed hadn't been transmitted, and we were told that we wouldn't be able to be married. Luckily because we had been in the Salt Lake temple the day before, the stamp on our temple recommends was enough to get us through. Before the wedding, I was reminded that John had literally climbed a mountain to marry me, and I thought about that through the whole ceremony. We made some amazing promises to each other in the presence of our friends, family, and our Father in Heaven. It was beautiful. I will never forget the look in John's eyes as we knelt across from each other at an alter, and covenanted for Eternity. I have never felt a more peaceful feeling. The peace didn't last for long. As we walked outside the temple for pictures, we could see that Mother Nature had given us another gift. It was now snowing. By the time we had finished with our pictures, my hands were frozen, my teeth were chattering, and I was ready for a nap. We headed to the luncheon, and were not surprised when we found out the food was not there, the building was locked, and there was not a single soul there to let us in. After another fairly long delay, We were finally getting our luncheon started. The Luncheon was great despite it's late start. The food was good, family and friends mingled while they waited, and everyone had a good time. It was finally time to tackle the big task of the reception. This had the potential of being horrible if everything didn't fall into line. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, we headed to the reception site. We got there, and were pleasantly surprised that everything was in order. The cake arrived, and was set up. The food was there, the beverages were ready to go, and all of the tables were set, and ready for guests. For all of the lack of direction, things were amazing! the reception went well. It was no surprise that people loved the photo-booth, and the music was fab. We mingled with everyone that came to wish us well, and best of all, we didn't have to stand in a formal line! When all was said and done, it was a difficult day for the two of us, BUT we were married. I can't express how much it meant to me to be able to say at the end of the day that I would spend forever with John. And, Our pictures didn't turn out too horribly either.

If you wondered how it happened

It's not a tragedy like Romeo and Juliet, or Cleopatra and Mark Antony. It's not a forbidden love like Lancelot and Guinevere, or Tristan and Isolde. It's just a story of two friends who fell in love.

It happened one night at ARUP. I was a very new processor (just out of training)and I got a particularly nasty batch of work. I didn't realize that with this particular client, it was easier to take both the frozen and refrigerated portions of the work. I took the refrigerated portion, and had all kids of problems. I had samples with no paperwork, and paperwork with no samples, and I had brought in a test that I had neither a sample nor the paperwork for. I had to find the samples, and the paperwork that I was missing. My search led me to a set of brothers sitting on the opposite side of my row.

At first, I felt a little silly, but then the more mistakes I thought I made, the worse I felt. I ended up beign totally embarrassed. I was sure that this guy was completely annoyed, and probably hated me for making his night so difficult.

I didn't think much of it at the time other than that, because I wasn't on the market. It turns out he wasn't really looking either. I saw a good looking guy, who had absolutley no interest in my ignnorance for the job we both shared, and I was bent on not running into him anymore. He saw a cute girl who (somehow) intimidated and intrigued him, but was already taken.

Over the next few weeks, John and I ran into each other a few more times, and I soon became friend with the two brothers. Over the next few months, the three of us became good friends. The relationship that I was in was sputtering, and eventually ended, but not before John and Justin could start dating sisters. I attempted to date, but it didn't work out too well for me. John and I attempted to hang out a couple of times, and eventually ended up having a movie night at my apartment. It was fun, but John still had a girlfriend (or so I thought). * huge side note here... This is the one time it would have been a great idea to pry into someone's personal life. Assuming that John still had a grilfriend, I started dating someone else. It was only then that I found out John had been single for a little while. I had no reason to dump the guy I had just started dating, so I gave credit to bad timing and thought, "If it's meant to be, it will happen."

A year later, it happened. John and I finally went on a date. From there, everything came together at light speed. We dated, and quickly fell in love. It's been amazing! Of course, there are the less amazing moments, but they are definitely outweighed by the moments when we can just sit and talk. Sometimes, the best moments have no words. Just John and I, together.