I want to tell a story about the last years of my life. It hasn't all been bad, in fact a lot of great things have happened to my little family. We were blessed with our first child, we moved successfully, and I started my photography business.
Along with these great opportunities, we also had plenty of opportunities to struggle.
First, we had the chance to experience the big 'D' not divorce, but depression. I had a very hard time going back to work after having my son. I often felt like I couldn't be a mom and a valuable employee. I cried on a daily basis, and I hid it it from everyone. I was the woman in the lactation room who sobbed as she pumped almost every time. I wasn't concerned about my supply, or the nutritional value my milk had for my son. I cried because I felt like a failure. by the time I added in my commute to work and the time I spent taking my son to my wonderful sister's house for childcare I was spending 11 hours a day away from home. I think on some level I knew I could find a way to do better for my family, I was just lost in my own emotion and I stopped myself every day from finding that next step.
It got worse. When my little guy was about six months old, we both got sick. He got RSV, and I got an upper respiratory infection. The medication we had to take to clear it up, dried everything up. I could no longer nurse. This made the feeling of failure sharper. It cut into me every day. I felt like not only was I not there for my son, but now I couldn't even make the small contribution that I had been making. We were switching to formula, and I no longer had a retreat where I could cry in private. It got harder and harder to function. My job performance started to slip. Things were compounding in a very negative way.
One particularly rough day lead to an even worse evening, and I could not calm my son down. we had just moved, and I didn't know where anything was, or what to try to make him happy. I had tried feeding him, holding him, singing to him through a cracking, crying voice. My husband had tried and been unsuccessful as well. I was at my wits end. I was holding my small sweet child, and every fiber of my being wanted to shake him until he stopped. This was a BIG RED FLAG for me. I set him down on the bed, and dropped to the floor. I was sobbing. I couldn't breathe. It took everything I had to call for my husband. I told him I needed help, and I could see in his eyes that he agreed, and that I hadn't been fooling him for weeks now.
The next day, I made an appointment and was prescribed an antidepressant. My doctor and I talked it out, and decided that I probably wouldn't need it forever, but I would need it as a crutch for a while. I had to realize that is was ok to need help. I had to see that this was a problem that people had. If it had been a broken leg, would I have left it untreated? No, of course not. It was the same thing. There was a chemical reaction that was slightly broken. I just needed to fix it, and that was just fine.
I would love to say that the medication fixed everything right away, and that I returned to normal within the week, but it was a longer process than that, and there were side effects. I gained quite a bit of weight. I was still withdrawn from people. Some of my friends were walking on eggshells around me, and I knew it was because there was a stigma associated with anti-depressants. It did get better though, a little at a time. Just in time for our next big challenge.
I lost my job. My employers weren't willing to overlook the fact that though I was rebounding and rebounding well, I had lost my edge for about six weeks. I took it as an opportunity to stay home with my son for a while, and live that stay-at-home dream. Sure we would have to cut back a bit, and money might be a little tight, but we could do it. We did do it. We found ways to make things work, and were able to get back on our feet. We even found out that we were expecting again. We were thrilled. And then six weeks later...
My husband lost his job. We both starting looking for work immediately. I found a job at an elementary school. My husband followed lead after lead, and for months they turned up nothing. Our savings was dwindling, and we were starting to wonder how we were ever going to get by. I thought to myself, "Things can always get worse, but not much worse for us." Boy was I wrong. sure we had financial problems right then, but for the most part, aside from being on the chunky side (which I now had a new excuse for) we were healthy. Then I got a lesson in it-can-get-worse 101. My husband found out he had a blood clot extending from mid thigh to mid calf. That'll shake up your life a bit. six weeks later, I started to hemorrhage. I found out I had what is called a SubChorionic Hematoma. The good news was it was either going to cause a problem with my pregnancy, or it was going to be an annoyance until it resolved itself. Either way it was unnerving.
Then just as it started to look like there was no end in sight, things started to sort themselves out. My husband was offered a job. It wasn't the greatest in the world, but it was a job. It was going to make ends meet. My husband went in for a follow up and his clot was resolved, and after nine weeks, my hemorrhage had finally subsided, and I was given the all clear on the health of my bun in the oven.
That brings us to the present. Things are looking up. I'm in my third trimester. My husband was recently offered an even better job, with better benefits, and better pay. We're getting ready to start house hunting, and I have been able to start really marketing myself as a Beachbody coach... Even pregnant. It all works out, and it always looks up. Sometimes, things have to get worse, but that doesn't mean that they can't get better. I have a gorgeous little boy who is about to turn two, another boy about to enter the world who will be just as wonderful I'm sure, a husband who is now returning to good health, and renewed faith that good things happen to people who keep trying.
I challenge anyone who is reading this to find something that you can change each day. Something small, make the commitment and change your life!