How sexual assault helped me find a mission in life

This is a heavier topic today.

A lot of my topics lately have been pretty intense in the fact that they relate to sexuality, and marital intimacy.

I'm sure that many people are wondering exactly WHY I have suddenly (in the last 2 years) become so heavily involved with my Pure Romance business and sexual wellness and intimacy. I'll explain it to you.

**Warning here** I'm definitely going to share some experiences that are not so pretty to read. I won't be graphic with the details of the abuse, but I will absolutely be raw with the emotions that I experienced and the process that I've gone through during my short lifetime to get to where I am now.

**The Real Warning** This may be a trigger post for many, so I am truly sorry if this makes you relive trauma that you weren't prepared to deal with right now. I do hope though that IF this does trigger you, and you feel the need to share, I would love to hear from other survivors. I absolutely cannot offer professional help, but I can offer empathy to the situation.

Many of you may know that I was adopted. I talk very openly about my adoption and the fact that I absolutely believe I found a part of my family that I had been missing for a long time. I had the unique experience of being adopted at the age of 12, and prior to that living with my biological family. I LOVE my family (biological and adopted alike). In fact, I don't generally distinguish between the two. They are all my family, and they all love an accept me just the same.

^^^ That's the important part about my adoption. ^^^

Now the experience that I really wanted to talk about. At a young age (around 9, I can't be 100% sure) My family sublet our garage apartment to someone that my mom had known for quite some time. This wasn't some stranger that simply showed up one day. This was someone who, In my opinion, was known and trusted.

One night, I remember waking up to him sitting at the foot of my bed. He quickly shushed and reassured me that everything was alright.

Everything.was.not.alright.

That was the first night that I had ever experienced any sort of sexual contact.

I was 9.

This went on for a while. I let it, and I always felt guilty for my own trauma.

Deep down I knew that I could have stopped it at some point, but in my mind, I was also made to believe by my aggressor that if I allowed it to happened to me, that he would avoid my younger brother. Hindsight being 20/20 that was no guarantee of anything.

This was someone who abused my trust, and my family's trust time and time again.

I remember the day that we moved out of that house. It was a day with so many conflicting feeling for me. On the one hand, I felt sad to be leaving my home, my family, the life I had known as long as I could remember.

On the other hand, I was finally free of the perpetrator... or so I thought.

Fast forward to High School.. I was nerdy, and unattractive, and that suited me because nobody paid any attention to me. I didn't have to face any of the abuse from earlier in my life. I know that for many victims of sexual assault and rape, that this isn't necessarily the case. They try to find their identity in an over sexualized, hormone-filled world that is high school, and they struggle, and they overcompensate.

I'm not saying I didn't feel these feelings. Looking back, I definitely did, but for the time being, I simply tried to be as invisible as possible. I felt like I wasn't worthy of being friends with the wholesome girls. I wasn't wholesome. I wasn't even whole.

I wasn't bad enough to be a bad girl. I didn't want to be.

I was in limbo. Sometimes I was good enough for my friends, and sometimes I wasn't. Sometimes I was too much drama because I was refusing to address the real issues, and sometimes I had the wrong response all together.

The fact of the matter was. I still carried so much guilt for what I had been through. And I couldn't talk to anyone about it, because we don't talk about these sorts of things. We don't talk about sex when it's not enveloped in the uncomfortable undertones of shame, much less when it is.

I remember going to Sunday school and hearing the comparison of sexual purity being like a nice white picket fence. When you engage in sexual acts that's like putting a nail into the fence, and yes, you can seek repentance and remove the nail, but then there's a hole that you can't fill.

Being an adult now, I know that you can get wood filler and you can absolutely fill that hole. You don't need to feel damaged for the rest of your life because of a crime perpetrated against you as a child, but at the time, I fully believed that there was some shame that I would have to carry with me for the rest of my life. I believed that my worth was lessened because of the trauma that I had endured.

Fast forward again. I got married at 19 to the first guy who showed any real interest in me. We had our issues, and I was not equipped to deal with them. It ended in nasty divorce and an attempt to end my own life.

Thankfully, I wasn't successful, because down the road, I would find out that I absolutely was still valuable. I am so grateful for that knowledge and the fact that I wasn't successful in ending my short life on such a low note.

I have since remarried, and I now have a beautiful family, but that didn't fix everything. I still struggled with my internal view of my worth. I struggled with being intimate like many do--not only because of my trauma, but because of my stage of life, having recently had a baby, taking anti depressants, taking birth control, etc. It's all been something that I have had to deal with.

I had to wrap my head around the fact that these issues were absolutely NOT a punishment for what happened earlier on in my life. These were normal things that happen to women.

So when Pure Romance came into my life, and I saw an opportunity to educate women about their bodies, help them feel more emotional satisfaction from their most intimates relationships, and empower them to ask questions and have conversations, I took the leap.

It is now a part of my mission in life to make sure that women everywhere know that they are still valuable regardless of trauma or even poor choices on their part.

There is no reason that we should carry this shame, and disdain for ourselves throughout our lives.

We are valuable.

We are worth it.

We are women, not victims.

Please share.

** Today is Denim Day. You can read about it here to learn more about this movement and what it does to raise awareness for women everywhere.

How to be successful in Direct Sales

So I know many people are really wanting to know how to bring in extra money working from home doing direct sales.

Well here are my thoughts on the subject.

I've been in direct sales for 2.5 years now, and I've learned quite a few things along the way.

First of all, it does take work. You don't just buy a kit and have everyone's orders fall into your lap. It takes lots of work. You won't get rich quick doing direct sales, but you can make lots of money when you will put in the time.

Second, Consistency is key. If you are like me (a little bit of a free spirit) you may not like the idea of scheduling yourself. I mean after all, isn't the point to be freeing up your time? I have found that by scheduling my time for just a couple of hours each day, that I am much more successful productivity wise. This also allows me to do what I want the rest of the day, but there are certain "hit times" that I make myself meet. Sometimes the time of day changes. I can spend an hour in the morning, just the same as I do in the evening, and get the work done. So I schedule around life, but I make sure that I do it every day.

Next, Find a system that works for you. Just like I schedule my time, I have started doing the same tasks in the same order. For example, every Monday I do a motivational post, Customer Follow Up, and Hostess Coaching. Tuesdays are set aside for my team. I am always available for questions, comments, concerns, brainstorming, etc. BUT on Tuesday I won't schedule anything else. My focus is on my team, so if nobody calls... I literally sit and wait all day. Wednesday has a task, as do Thursday and Friday. A couple hours a day, and then I'm done for the most part.

Again, Stay a student! Always learn about the new products, their benefits, why people want them. How your customers can benefit from them. Spend a little time learning about them, and they will pay back in mass amounts. Also personal development is huge here. Always strive to be bettering yourself!

Another tip, and this was BIG for me, Build a team. It seems like a scary thing to do, and I waited far too long to go for it, but once I started building a team I found a whole new level of motivation. Now depending on which company you are going to be working for, the way that you build your team will vary. For me, I don't earn directly from my teams sales. This is what helps every consultant in our company take home more money. We all start between 40-45% commission at the lowest level. We can do this because We don't share our profits with our uplines. At the end of the month, we get bonuses based on how our team has done, but that money comes from corporate directly. Awesome right?


The last tip I'm going to share today, although there are about a million more I could share, is this: get on the phone. This was hard for me. I hate the phone. I think I sound like a crazy person, and it makes me nervous, but getting on the phone really makes a difference. You can have a coherent conversation, and your contacts can actually hear your excitement. It makes the biggest difference!

This can seem overwhelming, but pick one task to work on and it will pay off! Good Luck!

*****If this post has helped you, please share it with friends and business partners. If you would like to learn more about my awesome business in women's health and sexuality, please reach out! I'd love to have you on my team!

Intimacy is not a sin

One thing that has always sort of seemed off to me is the idea that we don't talk about our sex lives.

I'm not saying we should be giving the nitty gritty details to everyone. Don't get me wrong, that could get weird...


...But our spouse? We should absolutely be talking to each other about what we like, what we don't, what we would like to try, or have zero interest in trying.

So why don't we?


I'm going to give a religious thought here, so be warned...

I really truly believe that the adversary/Lucifer/Satan/what-ever-you-choose-to-call-him absolutely uses taboos on sex to drive us away from talking to our partners about something that shouldn't be scary.

He makes us feel "dirty" "guilty" "shameful" for wanting to be sexual beings in our homes with our spouses.

AND. WE. LET. HIM.


So why do we do that? Is it because our parents never really talked about it?

I think that as kids we grow up being told that sex is "bad unless you are married." "Wait until you're married." "Nobody wants gum that's already been chewed." Etc.

So we put a taboo on our sexuality and go into marriages pretty naïve.

We wonder what is okay to want, okay to do, okay to even talk about...

... and then we don't talk about it. We are afraid that our spouse will judge us, that they will think that we are dirty, or freaky, or sinners. Why are we afraid of our spouses judging us?

I think it's because we don't know what they will say, and they probably feel exactly the same way.

I also think it is a tool of the adversary to drive a wedge between spouses. There is no room for shame or guilt within an intimate relationship if you truly want it to flourish.

We need to start talking about this with our spouses.

*****

Breaking away from that thought for a moment, I wanted to share a few quotes from church publications. I'm LDS, so these will pertain to my faith directly. I also want to give the disclaimer that this is my understanding and is not meant to be considered church doctrine.

"Sexual Relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a means of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife." -The Church Handbook


"Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love within marriage." -True to the Faith


There are plenty more that blatantly explain how important intimacy is within a marriage. None of them tell you exactly how to, or how frequently, and this is one of the big reasons that I feel communication is so important.

We should be discussing with our spouses what we are looking for. It should be an open conversation that warrants revision from time to time as you go throughout life together.


***** If you found something valuable in this blog post, or have more in depth questions, I am happy to answer them either through comments, or email. Also if you find value in the type of information that I give from time to time, and would like to host your own educational ladies' night, let me know!

One Thing Husbands and Wives Should Absolutley Know

A quick piece of info that I share at every party:

There's one thing out there, ONE THING that has made all the difference in our marriage.

It seems to me like it should have been obvious, but it wasn't, and so I thought maybe there were others out there who could benefit from this info as well.

We watch movies and see "sex" and "making love" as an on demand kind of thing where both parties are so in the moment, and it always works out wonderfully (at least in the moment) and both parties are just dripping with euphoria when all is said and done.

Unfortunately, as I have come to learn, that is just not the case.

You see there is a disconnect for most women between desire to be intimate, and actual arousal. It's much easier for men in the sense that arousal is so closely related to physical response.

For women, we tend to let our brains get in the way.

We worry about things that are over and done with, things that won't happen for another week, and things that couldn't possibly happen except as the worse side effect of the worst outcome of the worst case scenario.

And still... we worry about them.

We worry about the kids, housework, our husbands, jobs, etc. and then we let it overwhelm us, and it kills our arousal.

So even when we have the desire to be intimate, it's super likely that our arousal won't match.

On top of this, men and women experience sex SO differently.

Women on one hand are like conventional ovens: It doesn't matter how well you follow the recipe, if you don't do the prep work of pre-heating the oven, your recipe will turn out wonky! This is foreplay (physical, mental, emotional- they all play a part) and this is exactly why we need it.

Men on the other hand are wonderfully designed much more like a microwave-- ready to cook at a moments notice.

The two designs are wonderful, but so often we fail to remember our partners needs. Often we are impatient as far as the process goes. We try to skip the foreplay, and sometimes that's okay and the recipe turns out wonderfully. Other times though, we just need to remember the basics: there should be build up. We should put each other first.. And above all it's okay when the recipe doesn't turn out as planned.



** If this was news to you like it was to me, or maybe even just a good reminder, Please remember that this kind of information supports my business. I truly believe in what I do for couples, and all women alike. There is something at a party for everyone, and I invite all of you to reach out and see what I can do for you as a Pure Romance consultant.  

World Conference Review 2017

This past week I had the opportunity to spend 5 days in sunny Orlando. This was a nice break from the cold rain that I came back to here in Utopia (Utah).


While I was there, I had the opportunity to lounge by the pool, take some personal development classes, some business development classes, and to share in the success of over 1150 women as they walked across the awards stage for their 2016 accomplishments.


Some of the things that stuck out to me most were that these were attainable goals. Nothing that these women did was out of reach for any of us. In fact, I found that I was much closer to walking that stage myself than I had originally thought.

Of course, that means that my goals are changing just a bit, and I WILL be walking stage next year! One way or another, I will get up there!

How am I going to do it? Of course, I'm simply going to follow the instructions that I got from the conference classes. I realized that slow and steady does indeed win the race.

I'm truly excited about being able to share the opportunity this business is affording me, and therefore, I'm going to share the top ten things that I will implement this year in order to be on that stage next year.

1. Stay in your own lane. I've heard this time and time again, in many different forms:

• From my sponsor: Comparison is the thief of joy.
• From my team mates: You do You.
• From the fabulous Kacey Musgraves: Just ho​e your own row and raise your own babies,
  Smoke your own smoke and grow your own daisies, Mend your own fences and own your own crazy, Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy.

2. Set goals: Weekly, Monthly, Yearly! Holy Cow, it should have been obvious that there was more to it than just setting a goal for a year, right? Well, it didn't click until this last week. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! So for instance let's pick some round numbers to make the math simple. if my goal is $120K for the year 2017, then I can break that down into $10K monthly, and $2500 weekly. Now, if you just saw what I did to give me a little bit of a cushion, or comfort zone, then kudos to you. If you didn't, don't stress. I'm going to break it down in another post, but spoiler: there are a couple more weeks in the year than 48 (4 per month). So if I hit my weekly goals, I'm going to surpass my monthly and annual goals! Genius right? I can't take credit, but I will break it all down soon for those of you who work from home, because guess what? This isn't specific to my Pure Romance business.


3. Be consistent: I heard from multiple women about the secret to their success, and it was simply that they were consistent. "Consistency is key" they all said, and in listening to their various systems, they are right. Every single one of them did things differently, but when they found what works for them, they stuck with it. I've got some work to do now.


4. Just do it! It's a little cliché that I'm using the Nike slogan right? Well, why reinvent the wheel? Just do it! When I've got a task that I don't like coming up... Just do it. Get it over with, and then I'm done. Right?


5. Share with everyone. I am a firm believer that this business has something for everyone. Maybe you just need some time out of the house, maybe you need some extra cash, maybe you need to know that you aren't alone in the struggles you face with your spouse. Maybe you just need to make some new friends, and maybe you just want a discount on the products that you know and love. This business has it all. I know that you can get these things from other businesses too, but where can you INSTANTLY bond over this kind of thing? I mean I do talk to women on a daily basis about the most personal aspect of their lives; their intimate relationship with their spouse.

When I was given the perspective of being selfish for not sharing the opportunity with the women in my life, it was a game changer. So if I offer the opportunity to you, Don't hate me,  Don't think that I see you in terms of money. Just realize that I see what this opportunity can do for you, and I want you to be able to have what I now have: sisterhood, confidence in so many aspects of my life, and yes, a little extra cash in the bank.


6. Stay a student: This is HUGE for me! I've always loved to learn new things, but in the last 5 or so years, I've stepped away from it because there were so many other things going on. Kids, work, college, my military career. There are plenty of things that have gotten in the way and I have used as an excuse to quit learning. Wake up 15-20 minutes earlier, stay up a few minutes later, Read a book, listen to audible while you work out, or listen to TED talks while you are driving. I can't tell you the differences that this is making for me, even in the past few days. My outlook has changed simply by taking a little time for myself.

7. Prioritize: This seems like it falls in line with everything else right? I had no idea how bad I was at prioritizing. I let my business run me, and I got nowhere, so here's my new priority list. I'm pretty excited about it. Top 5 priorities:

• My husband
• My kids
• Myself
• My Friends
• My business

That seem like a crazy thing to do right? Put my business last? I was sitting in one of my classes listening to someone talk about priorities, and I realized that I don't have to let my business run my life in order for it to work. The one thing that everyone seemed to have that I didn't was balance and priority. They all put other things first. So this year, yes we're 3 months in, but I'm DONE letting my business run me. I'm taking control, and I hope that this will reach someone else who will also take control of their business life.


8. Get out of debt. How is this going to help me earn more money? It seems like it should be an end goal for what to do with my money rather than how to earn more, right? Well, another A-ha moment that I had while sitting in one of these courses was about getting out of debt. By getting out of debt, I will no longer have to pay interest, and that will quickly save me money, and put a lot more in my pocket right? Genius! I'm not going way in depth here either because this post is already longer than I initially thought, BUT I will post about my plan for getting out of debt very soon!


9. Perspective is everything. This last little bit comes from our two final speakers: Hal Elrod, and Mel Robbins. Hal gave us the 5 minute rule. You can be angry or hurt or upset, for five minutes, but you set a timer and at the end of it, you say, "can't change it," and you move on. Then you choose to be the happiest version of yourself with the given circumstances. You can be pissed of or blissed out, but the situation isn't going to change, so just choose to be happy and move on. And right on Hal's heels, we heard from Mel, who gave us the 5 second rule (and not the one about food that falls on the floor) you simply count down 5-4-3-2-1-Go! and you do it... no matter what the task, no matter the anxiety that it causes you. Try it next time you feel anxious. 5-4-3-2-1-Go, and it's not nearly as bad. In fact I hate flying, and I used this during takeoff. I enjoyed that flight. It was fantastic!


10. Everyone's journey is different. Some will do this faster than others, and maybe you won't take off as quickly as you want to. I know two very successful women in this business (I know more than that, but I'm using these two as an example) One of them just won Rookie of the year. She is one of the top levels in our company, and did over $120k last year and her team did much more. And on the other hand, you have the other, who built and rebuilt her team multiple times, and after 9 years, is number one in the world for team building. This was no small task. She changed the lives of 81 women last year. So it just goes to show, that me and my four women sponsored, and $10k in my pocket can do big things. We just all do it differently!

We all Journey Differently

I've been thinking lately about the things that motivate us, and I've come to realize that it is always different, and always depends on the situation.



I do a lot of things for my husband and my children.



I also do a lot of things in order to be financially secure. Our goal is to be completely debt free in the next 10 years (house included).



These are goals that for some seem totally un reachable, and for others shouldn't even be goals because financial freedom is on lock down. It's done. It's never been a problem.


The point that I'm trying to make is that we all journey differently.


I was once told that no matter how hard I try, I was never going to be everyone's cup of tea. Why? because I'm me, and I have my strengths and my weaknesses, and those just are not going to jive with everyone out there. That's okay though.


Dita Von Teese once said the following, "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches."


Go figure, right?


I can be the best me, and it just isn't going to cut it for everyone out there.


That's the approach that I take in terms of the business that I run too. You know what? Pure Romance may not be for everyone. There are going to be folks who assume that all I do is sell naughty things. They will judge me. They will assume that what I do is frivolous.


That's okay.


Just because they don't take the time to see how much I actually help women, doesn't mean that I don't make a difference in their lives. For some, it's leaving a bad relationship. For others, it's getting in touch with their bodies after children, or menopause, or cancer. For others still, maybe it's about finding out what they want, and how to communicate that to a partner.


In any case, it's different for them, and it's different because it's me.


So my plea to everyone who might read this blog is this: find something that makes you a better person, and go for it. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks!

Dear Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,


It may come as a surprise to many that you won. It doesn't necessarily surprise me because for years we have been looking for a non-politician to hold this office. You are a business man, and a project manager, and I am interested in seeing what you can bring to the table.

That being said, it is time to live up to your campaign statements... You know, the ones about making America great again. I suppose if you live up to your words, then there will be no room for people to truly feel disdain for your presidency.

Please don't try to be a politician. Be a business man.


As you enter this new project, remember that this will take years to complete. Remember that you are laying a foundation for growth, not rushing to build cheap retail space.


Remember that you are putting the Trump name on everything that you do, and this will have an incredible impact on your personal brand.


Remember that now your employees are all of the citizens of this great Nation, and that they have put their faith in you as the Nation's newest CEO.


Remember that great companies care for their employees more than their bottom line, and by keeping the employees happy, you keep the company in the black.


You must find a way to bring two extremes within a company together. You need to unify, which means you need to give more than you can take.


Don't focus on changing everything all at once. There is a saying about a dog who chases multiple balls never getting any of them, and I feel that that is probably true here as well.


Allow science to continue to progress. Allow people to be treated as individual people, deserving of rights and respect, rather than as a demographic. Don't worry about what will make you a popular choice. Concern yourself with truly leaving the US a better place than what you started with.


There is a great opportunity here. Make American great again, sure... but also, make America kind again. Make it a great place to raise a family again. Make it a place where you can chase your dreams again.


Make true the promises that will better the people. Listen to the people, they are the ones who elected you.


God Bless.

Laundry for 2 Cents Per Load

I've been experimenting intermittently with home made laundry detergent and fabric softener for a few years and now that we have been able to purchase a home, I can really see the benefit of doing things on the inexpensive side. 

That being said, I've tried a few different recipes now, and have done a little bit of concocting of my own, and have come to realize that the method matters.

Many of the "recipes" that you will see online are really similar, or exactly the same but with differing steps. So what is it that makes one recipe work extremely well, and another crash and burn? I've decided that it is the way that you go about doing it. There are some timing issues that can arise that will change your results dramatically.

So without any more delay, here are my tried and true recipes for laundry detergent and fabric softener.

What you will need for the Detergent: All of these can usually be found on the laundry aisle in any store.

Sprite and Coke not necessary. Just a perk for my little helper and me.

1 bar of Fels Naptha Soap
1 Cup of Washing Soda (not baking soda)
1 Cup of Borax
4 Cups of Water
2-1 Quart Mason Jars- the normal mouth makes step 8 easier but wide mouth can be used as well.

Step 1 pour the 4 cups of water into a pan on the stove and bring to a boil.

Step 2 combine washing soda and borax in a bowl and set to the side

Step 3 shred the bar of Fels Naptha soap (a food processor works best at this point)

Step 4 once the water has come to a boil, add shredded Fels Naptha and stir until all of the soap has melted. This should take a few minutes, and should be done at a simmer or a slow rolling boil to ensure that all of the soap melts properly.

Step 5 Remove pan from heat and add Borax/Soda mix. Stir until completely dissolved. This will take 3-5 minutes. The mix will feel grainy at first, but will no longer be grainy against the bottom of the pan when this is done.

Step 6 pour the mix equally into 2-1 quart mason jars.

Step 7 add water until the liquid hits the bottom of the shoulders (the curves at the top of the jar). Screw on a lid and turn upside down to rest. Resting will take 4-5 hours. The layers of soap will separate, and become very thick.   **If you are making both the detergent and the softener, this is a good time to work on the softener**

 Step 8 blend the mixture. If you are using the normal mouth lids, it is likely the blender blade will fit directly onto the jar and will make this very easy.

Step 9 Once this is done, the mixture will be sort of fluffy, and is ready to use. It will probably fill both 1 quart jar plus 1 pint. One Tablespoon will do an entire load of laundry. For top loading washers, just dump it in while filling the tub. For front loaders, add in all of the clothes, and then put the TBSP of detergent in the drum with the clothes, and start your load.  :)

What you will need for the Fabric Softener:

1 Cup of Suave Conditioner- Any scent that you prefer
1.5 Cups of White Vinegar
5 Cups of Water
2-1 Quart Jars

Step 1 mix all of the ingredients together. DO NOT SHAKE!! It will foam up and give you problems.

Step 2 After mixing, pour into 2-1 quart jars

Step 3 add 2 Tablespoons to your wash in the softener dispenser.

Yes, this recipe really is that easy!

Enjoy!

Count Your Blessings, and Store Your Food

It may not be a big deal for everyone, but this marks a new success for my little family. Up to this point, food storage for us was what was in our fridge and our cupboards upstairs.

2 years ago when I was pregnant with my second boy, My husband was laid off. We were ill-prepared for the six month job search to come, and ended up relying heavily on the LDS church's welfare program, due to the fact that our money in savings was enough to barely help us scrape by with our bills.

It was a trying time for us.

Fast forward to now. Tonight I started stocking our food storage pantry. No it's not perfect, but it's a start.

Between John's job now and my small business we are able to cover our bills, put money away in savings, pay off some big debts AND build our emergency preparedness supply.

I am so grateful that we are in this position now. The great thing is when we want something, we can have it because when I work, I earn, and I can do as much or as little as I want. What a blessing!

I am excited to announce, that I am putting an extra emphasis on our emergency preparedness, and I'm going to include quite a bit of it here in my blog posts. 

Yay! Right?

5 Reasons to be More Intimate More Often

I recently read an article in the Huffington Post, and although it's not my go-to publication, this particular article really stuck with me.

It started out by telling the story of a teenage girl a few years ago sitting for a manicure. Although she had taken a book with her (who can hold a book while getting a mani? I need to learn to do this.) she was drawn to the conversation of two women a few years older than her talking about "IT."

They spoke of how by the end of the day they were too tired, too drained, or just not in the mood for IT. Yes, by IT, I mean sex.

I was instantly able to relate to the two married women. Clearly this teenager just didn't understand. When you are at home at the end of a busy day, the last thing you want to do is try to be sexy, right?

She recounted as a teenager thinking that she would NEVER be in this situation. When she got married, sex would be common. She would never say no, nor would she want to.

She fast forwarded a few years and found herself exactly where these two women had been. She had had a child, and admittedly felt lackluster in the nude. Having a child was leaving her tired every day. She was in that boat, and I was identifying all over again.

Tired.

Not Feeling Appealing.

Unsure of how to approach the situation...

I think we all find ourselves at this crossroad at some point.

As I read the article, I remembered thinking of the excitement that I placed on sex as a teenager as well. It was unknown, but it had to be AMAZING if I wasn't supposed to do it until I was married right? It was exciting thinking of what it might be like. I got married, and it was exciting. It was frequent. It was fun.

Cue our second pregnancy. Hormones, and a toddler have a way of really draining you. Add the stress of being a full time student, and a leader in an Army medical unit, and I was the epitome of the worn-down woman. By the end of the day, I barely had the energy to make dinner, much less be in the mood.

I remember one day thinking that I had to change this circumstance. So I did some research, and I found five big reasons to be intimate more often. So here they are:

1. You're still a woman! Being a mother can leave you feeling less feminine. From sacrificing your full beauty routine, to wondering what on Earth is on your shirt, it is easy to lose sight of what makes a woman beautiful. There is something however that makes you feel feminine again about kissing your partner. So taking a few minutes to kiss each other at the end of a busy day, can surely add to the mood of intimacy in your home. It may not lead to sex every night, but that is okay. So put the kids to bed and spend some time with the person that can give you those butterflies again.

2. He's still a man! It's really pretty simple. For a man to feel loved he needs very little. Make him dinner, be appreciative, and sex him up from time to time, and it's really pretty simple. Commit to this for a couple of weeks, and add in some nightly make out sessions, and you will be amazed at how much happier the two of you seem. You'll wonder how you let the intimacy get away from you in the first place.

3. You need time for the two of you! Are you noticing how all of these build on each other? Once you have committed to spending a few minutes together, it will be much easier to budget more actual time for the two of you. It will seem less like a chore and more like a break. Remember that guy that lit your fire, that left you notes, and didn't ever fail to call when you needed him to? Well, he is still the one that sends shivers down your spine, and makes your hands sweaty before a night out. You just have to give him the time to do it. So set aside a night each week. Call the sitter and head out, or put the kids to bed and stay up late together. Take time to talk about things other than bills and scheduling and I promise you won't regret it.

4. Sex relieves stress! Enough said right? How good do you feel after a roll in the hay? It's really an activity that speaks for itself AND it's something that there are plenty of ways to switch it up if you are looking for something new.

5. It's fun! Barring a few manageable complications, sex is fun. We often do the things that we HAVE to do, and neglect the things that we WANT to do. Giving yourselves permission to be sexual again is HUGE in sustaining, or rekindling that fire. For the moments when things don't go as planned in the bedroom, there is always a solution, whether it be changing the kind of lubricant you are using, or learning more about a new position before trying it again, there is a work around, and there shouldn't be any shame in trying something and having it not work out quite right. Trying something new is part of what makes it so FUN right?

So whether you are at the point where maybe it's just a dry spell (totally normal in marriage by the way--plenty of studies support that) or it's been a long cold winter, there is always a way to turn it around. It doesn't necessarily have to start with mind blowing sex. Maybe it starts with just a kiss.

The point here is it's doable, and we DESERVE it!

***If you are having a hard time figuring out where to start, please trust me with your questions. As an advocate for Women's Health and Sexuality, my goal is to keep married women married, single women safe, and all women empowered. I welcome the conversation, and will do everything I can to guide you in the right direction.***

Photo Credit to Shea Drake Photography

Common Misconceptions

After reading a friend and sister consultant's post, I really identified, and I don't think it could have been said any better. So here it is. Thanks, Dani!

Since starting my business with Pure Romance, I've received all kinds of responses ranging from "Good for you!" to awkward silence and quick topic changes ;) It's obvious that what I'm doing is considered taboo, for whatever reason, and I've decided to put to rest the 3 most common misunderstandings people have that make it so.

I'd like to start by answering the simple question: "WHAT IS PURE ROMANCE?" 

Pure Romance is basically a traveling boutique with superior quality, pharmaceutical grade products for women's health, beauty, and intimacy needs. Women host parties and welcome me into their homes where I present products and offer information/education regarding their physical and sexual health. 

Common misunderstanding #1: Pure Romance parties are naughty parties. False. Sure, the topics at hand make it easy for such parties to become "naughty," but generally speaking, Pure Romance parties are comfortable, enjoyable, and entertaining for all guests. Do we talk about sex? Yes we do. We promote sexual health and self confidence, not promiscuity. I assure you, we keep it real and appropriate and everyone goes home with their clothes on ;) 

Common misunderstanding #2: Only kinky women attend Pure Romance parties. False. Pure Romance is for all women. Young and old, married and unmarried, Pure Romance has something for any woman who cares about her health, beauty, and/or intimacy. 

Common misunderstanding #3: As a consultant, I'm a salesperson. Mostly false. Obviously I have products I'm selling, but that's not why I started my business. Can we all agree that a marriage will suffer if intimacy is an issue? That considered, I believe that the products and information I share in my parties will improve intimate relationships and in turn strengthen marriages and reduce divorce. I love the opportunity I have to educate and empower women and I cherish the relationships I'm creating with women who trust me enough to ask questions and confide in me. I do not consider myself a salesperson, I consider myself a coach, confidant, and friend. That is the #1 reason I started my business with Pure Romance; selling is only a bi-product of it. 

I'm proud to be part of Pure Romance and I love what I do. And that's a wrap!

How do I start setting goals?

Time and time again I have set goals at the beginning of the year to:

• lose a few pounds
• eat healthier food
• be a better person
• better manage time for my business 
• etc, etc, etc.

I never imagined that all of these goals would be intertwined. 

For instance, did I realize that I could be a much nicer person if I wasn't worried about what everyone thought I looked like? No, I didn't, BUT now I do. 

So here's the deal. I want you to make a list. Make a list of the 10 most important things for you to do in the next few months.

Seriously... Make a list! Right now. The rest of this post won't help you if you don't make the list.

Got it? Now look at your list of 10, and see if one of those goals would unlock any of the others. Example: Is one of your goals to lose weight? Yes? Is another to eat healthier? Yes? there you have it, eating healthier would help you lose weight for sure. 

So take a good hard look at your list which on of those goals unlocks the most potential for reaching the rest of them? 

Let's call this the key goal. 

Now that you have your key goal, write it out like it is something you already do. Is your goal to read a new book every month? Rewrite it as, "I read a new book every month." Saying it like it is already true helps you commit to actually doing it. 

Why? Because you feel good saying that you accomplish your goals. Think about it: which makes you happier? "I go on a date with my spouse at least once per week" or "I want to go on a date with my spouse once per week." Stating that you have accomplished your goal gives you a quick glimpse into what it will feel like to achieve that goal.

Now, here is the BIG commitment. Put it out there. Don't tell yourself alone about your goals. Letting yourself down is not nearly as bad as other people knowing you didn't meet a goal. So find three people who you trust with your goal, and tell them in the next 4 hours what your goal is, and give yourself a deadline.

Finally, work at it! Don't just set the goal and do nothing. Keep yourself accountable. Write your accomplished goal down and put it somewhere you will see it! 

It's okay to be "that mom"

2016 is proving to be an interesting year already. From buying a new home and moving into it, to finding out the gender of our sweet baby #3 (Due in early August, but most likely appearing in July) it's been busy.

My two home based businesses (JJ Knowles Photography, and Pure Romance by Jenn) are taking off and I couldn't be happier for that. I'm only 2 more semesters from graduation with a double bachelor's degree, and my two boys are growing like weeds! I just can't believe that this little slice of Heaven is my life. It gets very hectic at times, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! I know that I am definitely biased, but I have the world's best husband, and the cutest kids. *sigh* For what this life is, this is perfection.

**Warning, shamelessly cute family picture in 3..2..1**

Of course there are the moments that I am that mom. You know the one who hasn't showered in a day or three, walking around in sweatpants and a t-shirt at Wal-Mart with a screaming child in the cart because he just fell asleep and smacked his forehead on the handrail in front of him (this literally happened 48 hours ago). I think we all get our chance to be that mom, and that is okay. It's a right of passage, and the one thing that unites all of momdom. Because no matter who it is that gets to be that mom, all of the others know where she is coming from, and that smile that you get in the store, it's not pity. It is the deepest understanding. It is the recognition that we have all been there and done that, and that, in the words of my mom "this too shall pass."

It amazes me each and every day though that any of us make it as mothers. With all of the judgement in the world, and contradicting studies that PROVE that every single one of us are wrong, it can be hard to decide how to raise a child. The struggle that goes into trying to make the best decision easily rival the struggle to decide what college to attend, or what profession to train in. These decisions impact the way that your children will see the world. They shape their actions for the rest of their lives. It's a huge deal that will weigh heavily on your mind long after the decision at it's implications are made. Raising a child is hard. Don't think for a moment it isn't. So to all of the struggling moms, I salute you!

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of moms on social media putting their best foot forward, and writing award winning blogs, or DIY-ing EVERYTHING in their home, while at the same time cloth diapering their children and never raising their voice. To those moms... kudos, and when you figure out how to bottle that, please let me know so I can borrow the recipe. The thing that I have learned though, is there is always someone "better" than each of us, that has the energy to wake up before the kids, and look perfect throughout the day, and have a sparkling home that doesn't show the tell-tale signs of children residing there, BUT we probably aren't seeing everything they are facing.  The snap shots on social media are just that. they are snapshots, glimpses, a glamour reel if you will. They don't show the whole story. So don't beat yourself up when you don't measure up to someone's "perfect" facade.

At the end of the day we each take off our make up (if we managed to put any on-I often don't) and take apart our reflection in the mirror. We dwell on the imperfections, and we struggle with the debate over whether or not we could have made a better choice during the day, or whether our actions will be the topics of our children's therapy sessions for years to come.

The advice that I can share for each of us, is just to cut ourselves some slack, because when we learn to cut ourselves some slack, we are much less likely to judge that mom. Because really... what does that even accomplish?

Stick with it momdom!

5 Things you NEED to improve your milk supply

Did you know there are vitamins and herbs out there that can boost your milk supply? Most are fairly inexpensive and can be found at your pharmacy or local health food store. 

Always talk to your doctor before adding any vitamins or supplements into your daily routine. 

These are the herbs I have personally used and have had success with:

Prenatal Vitamins:

Yep, it is still important to keep taking your prenatal vitamins even after baby is born. Nursing sometimes feels like your baby is sucking the life out of you (especially at 2 am)...prenatal vitamins will help you get the important nutrients YOU need to keep up.

Fenugreek:

This is a milk supply miracle! I filled my freezer by the time my baby was 6 months old with milk, milk, and more MILK. It boosted my supply from 25 oz a day to 60 oz in a matter of weeks. My doctor recommended I take 2-3 pills 3 times a day. 

Gee Wiz! Fenugreek is used as a flavor aid in syrup. You WILL smell like maple syrup and if you don't, you aren't taking enough. 

Seriously, if you don't smell like Aunt Jamima, then you aren't taking enough and probably won't see an increase in your supply. The smell fades after a few weeks... or maybe I just got used to smelling like pancakes. Either way, it's worth the boost in supply! 

Lecithin: 

 Lecithin helps prevent the dreaded clogged duct. 

1 pill 3 times per day, and after a few weeks she cut back to 1 pill twice per day, and then eventually 1 per day. If I feel a clog coming on, I double up to 2 again for a few days and that normally takes care of things. Best kept secret in the world!! 

More Mommy's Milk Plus:

This product has saved many a nursing mom. 

Here is one success story: 

"After having an overabundance of breast milk, I made a decision (with my doctor) to start birth control.  Since I had SO much milk we did not think it would effect my supply too much.  We were WRONG.  My supply went from 8+ ounces per feeding to 1/2 an ounce.  I was DEVASTATED, but determined to do whatever I had to to get my milk supply back and continue to nurse my daughter for the full year.  

My lactation specialist suggested More Milk Plus.  Make sure get the PLUS because it is more potent.  WARNING:  It tastes TERRIBLE.  Imagine the worst shot you have ever taken.  Now x10.  That is how bad this tastes.  But, by taking this product, along with Fenugreek and lots of skin-on-skin your milk supply will increase."  

WATER:

Drink it like its your job, because if you're nursing, well... it is!

Happy Nursing!

It's Not a Diet!

Nothing motivated me more than being fed up with hating what I saw in the mirror. It had gotten really bad. It had come to the point where I would intentionally undress in my walk in closet and jump right into the tub so that I didn't have to see myself in the mirror when I showered each day. I was unhappy, I was unhealthy, and I was ashamed. I needed to make a change. Then I got pregnant, so I put it on hold again. It wasn't until I started to have complications during my pregnancy that I really decided to make some necessary changes.

I went from being 135 pounds to a solid 200 pounds in just 18 months.  I had gone from a size 6 to a 14 in that time and I had a hard time coping with my new size. I'm 5'11 so I did have more room to "share the love" but it was wreaking havoc on my emotional/mental well being.  I'm not embarrassed to admit my top weight- I'm more embarrassed to admit I let it get to that point. At first, I was constantly squeezing myself into clothes too small because I had the excuse of post baby weight and I couldn't actually admit how much I had 'let myself go.'  I stopped going out as much as I used to because I felt I looked terrible, to me I was almost unrecognizable: round face, puffy cheeks, flabby arms, saggy butt. Where had I gone wrong?  I started wearing my husband's clothes, even when we were leaving the house, because I didn't have any clothes that fit properly.  And, if I dared, I probably could have parked in the 'Expectant Mother' parking the entire time between pregnancies 1 and 2. And Still, I did nothing about my weight until March 1, 2014- 9 weeks after having a fairly serious pregnancy complication with baby number 2. 

*He is perfectly healthy as far as we know, and expected to make an appearance in the next 7 weeks*

Let me be quite clear- I'm not advocating dieting while pregnant. That is not what I have done. I'm merely documenting the positive changes I have made in order to get my health back on track. 

My first trimester was a nightmare. I was so sick that I lost 25 pounds. Not exactly what you want to do while you're incubating another little person. My second trimester wasn't a whole lot better, I was still sick all the time, and by 20 weeks I was down another 10 pounds. I was now 170 pounds. I was still unhappy, and now it was because I knew that this wasn't the healthiest way to be pregnant. I needed to make a change.

First of all, I'm making changes because I WANT TO. Losing weight and/or eating clean will not work if you're doing it for someone else.  You have to be motivated, focused and willing to work for it because it will be hard when you start out. You have to establish your "WHY," your reason for making the changes. For me, it was my health, and the health of my child. That was enough to get me going. I've found other reasons since (more energy, less cravings, better mental health, and more fulfilling relationships. Things will snowball, and what once was hard will become easier every day that you keep at it. 

My first piece of advice (and I'm not a doctor, nurse, or dietitian.  I'm just a mom with a blog who wants to feel good about my choices and the way that I look) is don't set unrealistic goals. You will be setting yourself up for failure if you expected to lose 30 lbs in a month.  It's not worth the disappointment, and it's not something you can maintain.

Always set goals that you believe you can achieve while still being healthy. Crash diets and faddish weight loss cleanses are all the rage right now. Really do the research for yourself before you start something. For me, the thing that has made the biggest impact is a product called Shakeology. It is full of super foods, calms cravings, and fills me up. I drink it for breakfast, and it really makes a difference in my day. You've probably heard a million times: breakfast is the most important part of the day. Well, I used to think sleep was more important than breakfast. It didn't get me anywhere. Do yourself a favor and START EATING BREAKFAST!  Since I've always heard it's so important I made it a habit to start getting up and getting myself some breakfast.  I usually drink a healthy fruit smoothie made with Almond Milk and Shakeology.  I can say I know for sure my new routine of making sure I get breakfast has helped with my healthy transformation. Give it a try and see how you feel!


*If you want more information on it, message me, or follow me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/fightingfit11 or on twitter @JennKnowles11. I'm delighted to share my experiences.*

Now, I used to hate working out. HATE IT! I'm in the military, but believe me, being hot, sweaty, and achy is not my thing if I can avoid it.  But I couldn't expect to get any healthier without working out so I decided to take up a workout again.  I was on the swim and cross country team in high school but the thought of swimming or running again 9 years after I had been involved in organized sports made me want to be sick.  I assumed I would die during my first attempt at a workout but it went surprisingly well.  If you don't consider yourself athletic, I still urge you to give it a try.  To me, a good workout is now a necessary evil. I can really feel the benefit for all my muscles when I get a workout in. If you feel absolutely lost with where to start, I'd be happy to help you find a program that will work for you depending on your "WHY." Just message me or follow me at one of my accounts above, and I can get you started. 

My next tip is make your goals visible:  Putting it out there where other people can see it is a great way to make yourself accountable. Tell your friends, family, or spouse what it is that you want to do, and when you want to do it by. Do you have a reunion coming up? Do you want to just tone? Get it out there. Use social media to do it. Find a way to make it know to others, and you will have a much better chance of keeping up with it. 

Schedule your work outs.  I'm a college student, a pregnant mom to a toddler, a Corporal in the military, and I work at an elementary school. I get tired at the end of my day, but I'm also a control freak about my time. I can't stand to lose a couple of hours to the tv, and not accomplish the things that I set out to do. It drives me crazy. So I schedule it out. I get up early and get my workout in. here is an example of what I do during my morning to make sure it happens:

8:00-9:00 workout and get my ShakeO in

9:00-10:00 feed the little man when he wakes up, walk the dog, and get ready for work

10:00-3:00 work

Don't cut out meals. It's only obvious to think that the easiest way to cut calories is to skip out on a meal. Don't. I use this analogy: imagine a fire burning. In order to keep the fire going you need to add wood every now and then. If you stop adding anything to it, it burns out.  The same with your body- when you add food to it, your body gets re-energized and can work better.  If you withhold nutrition and fuel, your body is going to burn out like the fire.  I will say, I am not a big calorie counter.  I know eating Arby's and McDonalds is not a healthy choice. I prefer to eat healthy foods like fruit and whole grain and vegetables. Baked chicken over fried, smaller portions, skip the pop, etc. 

*Again if you want more information on how I do this, or more accountability, I run 10 day clean eating challenges at least once per month. Go ahead and message/follow me, and I can get you set up.*

Diet/Workout Journal:  I started keeping a diet and work out (journal) and it has really helped me realize what foods I'm eating and what I may need to cut out and just how much time I'm devoting to working out.  I keep it in my bag and anytime I eat anything I write it down.  I usually end up skipping dessert type foods just so I don't have to write it down. I may want a chocolate satin pie at the time but when I write that down and read it later, I realize I really could have down without those extra calories.  You'd be surprised at how much you probably munch throughout the day without even realizing it.  A journal would make it more obvious and easier to cut back. It has for me. 

My final piece of advice: just because you've worked out doesn't mean you can then eat a bunch of junk food afterwards.  You're not a dog- don't reward yourself with food.  Don't ruin your great workout!! Trust me, you'll regret it after you do! And remember the secret to clean eating is not to get discouraged. If you can eat clean 95% of the time, you will see results. One bad meal will not make you fat, just like one good meal won't make you skinny.

I know it's hard, I know it's not instant, and I know it's really an entire lifestyle change, but it can be done! There are tons of great ways to give yourself the advantage while trying to be healthier. Remember that you aren't going through this alone. There are resources out there to help. Also keep in mind that it isn't about fitting a social mold. It's about feeling good about yourself, having the energy to chase after your kids, grand kids, nieces or nephews. It's about setting and reaching goals. 

You can do it! And if you would like advice, as a certified Beachbody coach, I can help. Find your WHY and get started. Good Luck!